How Autism Made Me A Better Mom

When R was younger, I recall her coming in from school and getting her snack before being told to do her homework. And that's just what she did. She needed minimal assistance. Maybe some new math work was confusing her or she had a project that required the help of mom and dad. Otherwise she handled her shit. If she got it wrong, it would be corrected by the teacher and she would learn from her mistakes. Now we have a 17 year old in Advanced Placement and Honors classes because essentially, her homework was her job.

I have always been a working mom so after school programs have been a way of life. There was no parental chit chatting at normal pickup time. No after school play dates. No PTO volunteering or school committee meetings.I was not a part of her school years and she survived.

Fast forward 10 years later.

Since A's diagnosis, life has changed.

Maybe I can even say it has changed for the better in some areas.

Autism has made me a better mom.

I still work. Full-time. My kids still go to an after school program.

But it is autism that has made me want to be a part of their school lives. I need to know what A is doing for 8 hours a day. That means having relationships with the key people in his world. First name basis with teachers. Knowing that his school therapist also juggles the crazy life of work and raising kids, i think of us as kindred souls. I've made mom friends because A needs friends as well. How can I expect him so become comfortable in social skills if mom doesn't even know the other parents.

You can now find me researching the school budget, knowing who my school committee members are and attending PTO sponsored events.

And I like it.

It has given me purpose as a parent. I had a kid that was the proverbial swimmer...throw her in and she swam. I now have a doggie paddler....and without mom being involved, he would be in the deep end way over his head. My involvement is his life vest or shall I say, swim lesson?

A's diagnosis changed all our lives but it made me feel worthy of being called mom.

When Someone Listens

A lot of times when we are screaming for help, we just want someone to listen. I use the word screaming because over the past months I've asked politely, I've requested, I've even spoken a little louder to get attention, yet I felt like no one was listening. Finally I screamed. And it was only after A screamed at us for help.

When you have a child use the words "I hate myself" and "I want to die", you panic. When it's your 6 year old, a small piece of you dies inside because you feel like you've failed him. 

What you really did was teach him to scream when he needs help. It was 2 months ago that he screamed and in turn, we screamed. 

We spent the evening at Boston Children's Hospital being evaluated for A's well being. His official discharge papers said he had a "tantrum". We call these episodes at home. What we have learned is he was probably having a major anxiety attack and couldn't deal with his feelings. In his little 6 year old head, he just wanted to be calm.

After that day, we started screaming. At pediatricians, psychologists, teachers, school officials. Everyone. And they started to listen. 

We got a formal diagnoses of ADHD. Then we started medication. Then we switched medication because the first round didn't work well for the little guy. Major side effect city!!!

He was then diagnosed with Unspecified Anxiety Disorder and we finalized his IEP with the school. 

Then came the big one. In my heart I knew for a few months but no one was pointing it out. No one even mentioned the slightest possibility. Until we met the right doctor. We finally didn't have to scream. He picked up all the small "quirks". I showed him videos of how he acted at home. 

He looked at me yesterday and said "I believe he is on the Autism Spectrum. 

I smiled. I knew in my heart. And I was happy. 

Happy that after all the screaming, we can finally work towards giving A the quality of life he deserves. 

This is still the beginning. The road will be long, winding and bumpy but we will travel it together. 

He may not be your typical child but his differences make him one of the coolest kids I know. 

Sometimes you just have to scream to be heard. Don't stop screaming.