Letting Go

This weekend we had the luxury of pulling our camper (Sexy Beast) to our friends vacation lake home in New Hampshire. It was absolutely relaxing and serene. And our camper is one place that A feels at home because, well it is his home. Everything he loves and cherishes (and needs so get through the day) goes into the camper. DVDs, 2 iPad's, favorite stuffed animals, the food he can't live without (this week is turkey and cheese sandwiches) and any other item that allows us to vacation in peace.

We spent Friday lounging at the lake, fishing and swimming out to the dock for some cannon ball fun.

The boys kept asking our gracious hosts when we could take the boat out.

What started out as a cloudy Saturday turned into a warm, humid and sunny afternoon. It was boat time!!!

We all piled into the boat, life vests on and ready for some tubing. My kids and myself were tubing virgins, my husband already had that cherry popped.

I was a little uneasy because A doesn't care for anything that goes fast. Amusement rides are hit or miss. And although he has taken a ride on dad's motorcycle, it was a slow circle around a campground we stayed at.

The boys decided they were going on first.....climbing out onto the tube and drifting behind us, my heart started to beat hard. "This would be a 10 second ride before A starts screaming to let him off" I thought to myself.

G knew the hand signals and the minute we pulled off, a thumbs up went up, indicating he wanted to go faster. Thump, thump, thump. I can't get to him if he needs me. Wonder if he falls off? Wonder if he gets so scared we end up in a meltdown? We will be leaving soon, I know it.

A was smiling. He was laughing. We stopped to check on them and in unison, they both screamed "go again".

There was my happy A, doing something new, without his mama by his side.

My heart slowed down a little, my palms eased up from the nervous fist they were in.

I was finally letting go. Letting go of fear and letting go of the helicopter "momtality" I had.......my autistic son CAN do things. I will be here to protect him but I also need to let him live.

He lived this weekend and I let go. We're both making great strides.